The List Maker

I’m an avid list maker, but not necessarily an avid list crosser-offer.  I revel in a crossed off list because it means I’m making progress, but how often I actually make progress on my many lists depresses me. 

I’m not a person who likes other people to waste my time; however, I enjoy wasting time on my own.  Frustration mounts when I am teaching and there is a lull because the students are working independently or I’m between classes and don’t have any papers to grade or lessons to plan, which is rare.  On these occasions, I get antsy.  I begin thinking about all the things I need to do.  Then, I begin to go stir crazy.  To combat driving myself insane obsessing about things at home that I have no power to complete while at work, I begin making lists. 

·         Clean out the coat closet.
·         Make a menu for next week’s dinners.
·         Write a new blog post.

One would think that these endless lists would make me even more anxious, but the lists actually calm me.  They make me feel organized and in control, even when I’m not.  In that moment the list helps me deal with the frustration of being idle when I’m seeking to be productive.

·         Call my mom.
·         Reorganize the den.
·         Finish my novel.

The pressure and frustration come later when I’m at home, the place where I can actually take care of these lists; however, by the time I get home, I’m exhausted from my workday and the lists remain unfinished.

·         Mop the kitchen floor.
·         Pay the bills.
·         Get a multimillion dollar book contract.

They taunt me and tell me that I’m a failure, I’m lazy, I’ll never accomplish any of my goals. 

·         Loss baby weight from the baby that is now 15.
·         Take the dog for a walk.
·         Do the laundry.

After I relax for a few minutes when I get home from work, I have to rally my energy to make dinner (unless there are leftovers to eat), chauffeur the girls to sports, school events, and friend’s houses, go to the grocery store (the one place I’m successful at crossing things off my list), and put the little one to bed.  Finally, I have some free time around 9:00 p.m. to get some items crossed off my list, but now I’m so tired all I want to do is rest my brain and body by vegging in front of the TV.  Guilt sets in.

·         Workout
·         Catch up with friends on Facebook and Twitter before they think
I fell off the face of the earth.
·         Pay attention to my husband.

I tell myself I’ll get up earlier and get some of these things done in the morning before everyone else gets up, but when the alarm goes off at six the next morning, I turn it off and go back to sleep, telling myself, “I’ll bring my computer to work and do some writing between classes,” but there’s nowhere quiet or private to write.  I’ll do it TODAY when I get home, but then I sag into a chair and close my eyes while the toddler watches Olivia on Nickelodeon.  When the show ends, I make dinner, start my chauffeuring duties, put the little one to bed, collapse from exhaustion, veg, put myself to bed, set the alarm for six, close my eyes, the alarm goes off. . .

·         Clean out the linen closet.
·         Dust the cobwebs from the ceiling.
·         Clean out the refrigerator.

I’m in awe of some of the women I follow on Twitter.  I’ll check in around 10 p.m. during a commercial break and see posts like, “Just got the kids down, now I’m off to write” or when I get to work at 10 a.m., I might check in to see if anything interesting is going on and see a post from five hours earlier that says, “I’m writing and drinking coffee.”  I admire their initiative and strength and wonder, why not me?  Why am I so exhausted all the time and unable to put coherent words together at 5 a.m. or 10 p.m.?  Is it body chemistry?  Motivation?  The ability to run themselves past the point of exhaustion?

I suspect it is the last; they are like me, running themselves ragged during the day and trying to get their lists accomplished at night or in the wee hours of the morning while their families are sleeping.  I believe their tolerance for exhaustion is simply greater than mine.

Excuse me now while I go take a nap, and then:

·         Make two casseroles, one for dinner and one for the freezer.
·         Fold the laundry I did four days ago.
·         Vacuum up the dust bunnies from under the beds.
·         Wash down the kitchen cabinets.
·         Scrub the soap scum off the bathtub.
·         Read a book (who am I kidding).
·         Have a conversation with my husband (LOL).
·         Clean the toilets. . .
 

2 Comments

• 

  By JoVE, April 25, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

  Sometimes I use Twitter to check in about stuff I HAVE done. Makes me feel like I’m accomplishing things.

  You have no idea what is NOT done but if it helps here is a short list: I don’t even sweep the main area of the house weekly; bedrooms hardly ever. Any dustbunny that wants to live under the furniture is welcome to do so. Come out into the room and I might do something about it. My partner cooks most of the time and does the grocery shopping.

  Things like “clean out hte linen closet” and “clean out the refrigerator” are NEVER on my list (though they might get done every once in a while)

  Also, I can’t help but noticing that some of your list items are impossible to cross off. Break ‘em down into things that can be done (preferably in 15 minutes) or don’t put them on a list at all.

  Hugs.

• 

  By glenna, May 27, 2010 @ 6:49 pm

  Cleaning out the spam from my blog comments and ran across this one from you. Thanks for reading!

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